Breastfeeding Sucks because my boobs are broken!

I once read a book titled Breastfeeding Sucks. The book was a humorous little read about breastfeeding problems, but I found it annoying because it was a lady complaining about all types of problems I never have had the joy of experiencing....too much milk, engorged boobs, blah, blah, blah.

But I really do think breastfeeding sucks. I've cried way too many times these past few weeks about not being able to make enough milk. I think Adam is sick of it. I started crying tonight as I was making my 4th or 5th cup of Mother's Milk Tea, wondering why in the hell I even keep trying. He gave me a hug and kissed me and then told me to stop because at least we have healthy kids. What would a mother who was sitting next to her child with leukemia think about me crying about something so trivial? I really shouldn't be so sad, I know I should be grateful that I can even have children. I just really want to give them what is best and I know breast milk will make the healthy and smart.

But why in the hell won't my stupid little boobs co-operate? I've obviously had a complex about the teeny size of my titties ever since they the day they never grew. I even proclaimed myself President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee trying to laugh at myself. I've always been self-conscious about my size, but never enough to surgically enhance myself. When I first got pregnant I was told and I read many places that the size of your breast have nothing to do with being able to breastfeed, so I had no worries.

Then once Evan was born I just put him on there and he latched on like a little champ and I assumed everything was fine. Until he was 4 days old and his bilirubin level went up to 21. He was admitted to the hospital and hooked up to an IV and put under the lights. Then I just sat there and cried my eyes out as they gave him his first bottle of formula and rolled in the pump for me. Not realizing that my milk was just coming in I cried even harder when I tried to pump and only got about an 8th of an ounce.
I continued to fight to be able to breastfeed. I tried Fenugreek and Mother's Milk Tea. I ate oatmeal, drank a dark beer, increased my water intake, and many other old wives tales. For the first 2 months I would breastfeed him, then pump and give him a bottle, and then by the time I was done it was time to start all over again. I got a RX for Reglan which didn't help that much, then went online and ordered some domperidone from somewhere overseas which also didn't really help.

I eventually ended up being at peace with the fact that I was never going to get him off the formula and ended up nursing him for about 15-16 months, and always supplemented with formula. I was just happy that someone had invented formula and the fact that he was getting a little breast milk was better than no breastmilk at all.

Then I got pregnant again. It was like an new fresh beginning. I thought the only reason I had a low supply was because Evan was given a bottle at 4 days old. Everyone was telling me how people have so much trouble with the first child and then none at all with the second. I was so hopeful and excited. I was doing everything to prepare myself to conquer this low supply problem, I just knew I was going to be able to exclusively breastfeed this time.

As soon as Luke was born he latched on. We nursed and nursed and nursed. Every time he made a peep, I put him on the boob. Luke was born around 9 am and I started the Fenugreek with my lunch that very same day. When we came home I started with the tea, and nursed him constantly. Within a week I got a pump so I could pump and tell my body to make more milk. Well once again the milk wasn't flowing, I was only getting a tenth of an oz to 1/2 oz from both sides. But I also knew that a pump isn't as efficient a a babies suckling so I was still kind of okay. My doula let me borrow a baby scale to take home, with instructions to weigh him before and after a feeding, and then to weigh him everyday at the same time to see if he is gaining weight. Well at each feeding I was getting 0 oz, 1/2 oz, and 1 oz. Every morning I weighed him naked and he consistently lost weight 4 days in a row. Then I felt horrible for pretty much starving him and went to the store an bought a can of formula and cried all over again like I did with Evan.

I felt like I was somehow less of a woman. I wondered if men who were impotent or who couldn't produce children felt like this. I wondered if I had lived in the 1800's if all of my children would have died from failure to thrive. I was just so mad that my lady parts don't work. Then I picked up my book "Making More Milk" and read it again trying to figure out WHY? WHY don't my boobies work? I really think there just isn't enough milk producing tissue. I have stopped the Fenugreek and switched to Domperidone last week (was doing both but it gave both me and baby some stomach issues). No noticeable increase yet. So I have ordered some Goats Rue and hope to get it soon. Goats Rue is supposed to encourage glandular growth and is one thing that women who have adopted children use to make themselves start lactating.

My dreams that this time would be different, my dreams of being able to exclusively breast feed, are gone. I am sad. But as always I just keep telling myself it could be worse. I have 2 beautifully healthy and brilliant children.

I am hoping that this week my midwife can help me rule out any PCOS, thyroid problems, and anemia since those are are things that can cause low supply. I almost want something to be wrong because I want a little pill to fix it all. (Adam hates when I say that) But if it is insufficient glandular tissue I can learn to deal with it.

I hope I can quit crying about this and just be grateful and come to terms with the fact that my children will have to be formula babies. But I will still breastfeed. So if you ever see a woman nurse her child and then pull out the formula, don't judge her or give her dirty looks. Just be happy that your boobs aren't broken.


Click on the links below to read blogs from 2 other women who had gone through what I am experiencing, as I read their posts I felt like I was reading my own thoughts.
A Swing and a Miss Strike Two
Breastfeeding Broke My Heart

08/31/2010
UPDATE: blood tests came back normal..no thyroid problems, no anemia, etc.

So maybe I just have IGT? Who knows?

Good news is that my supply has increased, I can get about an ounce from both sides a lot of times (mostly at night). Obviously not enough to wean from the supplements, but that is double, which is pretty awesome. Right now I am up to 120mg (90mg wasn't doing anything) of domperidone per day and 1 1/2 tsp of Mother's Milk Special Blend, 3-4 cups of Mother's Milk Tea and of course waaaay too many lactation cookies per day. So since the dom is expensive and difficult to obtain (and since I hate taking any kind of drug) I may start weaning myself and see if my supply will still stay where it's at and switch back to fenugreek, but a higher dosage than I was on before???

Still looking for a milk donor, anybody??

It was so emotionally wrecking to me to not be able to exclusively breastfeed this time around. I really thought last time I just didn't try hard enough or nurse enough or I just supplemented too much. I was certain I could do it this time. I have been feeling a lot less depressed about it lately though. My midwife Shannon somehow found the words to make it okay in my mind when no one else could comfort me. She is awesome. I think since I can't give him very much milk I'll just have to nurse him longer than I expected to make up for it like I did with Evan.