Breastfeeding Sucks because my boobs are broken!

I once read a book titled Breastfeeding Sucks. The book was a humorous little read about breastfeeding problems, but I found it annoying because it was a lady complaining about all types of problems I never have had the joy of experiencing....too much milk, engorged boobs, blah, blah, blah.

But I really do think breastfeeding sucks. I've cried way too many times these past few weeks about not being able to make enough milk. I think Adam is sick of it. I started crying tonight as I was making my 4th or 5th cup of Mother's Milk Tea, wondering why in the hell I even keep trying. He gave me a hug and kissed me and then told me to stop because at least we have healthy kids. What would a mother who was sitting next to her child with leukemia think about me crying about something so trivial? I really shouldn't be so sad, I know I should be grateful that I can even have children. I just really want to give them what is best and I know breast milk will make the healthy and smart.

But why in the hell won't my stupid little boobs co-operate? I've obviously had a complex about the teeny size of my titties ever since they the day they never grew. I even proclaimed myself President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee trying to laugh at myself. I've always been self-conscious about my size, but never enough to surgically enhance myself. When I first got pregnant I was told and I read many places that the size of your breast have nothing to do with being able to breastfeed, so I had no worries.

Then once Evan was born I just put him on there and he latched on like a little champ and I assumed everything was fine. Until he was 4 days old and his bilirubin level went up to 21. He was admitted to the hospital and hooked up to an IV and put under the lights. Then I just sat there and cried my eyes out as they gave him his first bottle of formula and rolled in the pump for me. Not realizing that my milk was just coming in I cried even harder when I tried to pump and only got about an 8th of an ounce.
I continued to fight to be able to breastfeed. I tried Fenugreek and Mother's Milk Tea. I ate oatmeal, drank a dark beer, increased my water intake, and many other old wives tales. For the first 2 months I would breastfeed him, then pump and give him a bottle, and then by the time I was done it was time to start all over again. I got a RX for Reglan which didn't help that much, then went online and ordered some domperidone from somewhere overseas which also didn't really help.

I eventually ended up being at peace with the fact that I was never going to get him off the formula and ended up nursing him for about 15-16 months, and always supplemented with formula. I was just happy that someone had invented formula and the fact that he was getting a little breast milk was better than no breastmilk at all.

Then I got pregnant again. It was like an new fresh beginning. I thought the only reason I had a low supply was because Evan was given a bottle at 4 days old. Everyone was telling me how people have so much trouble with the first child and then none at all with the second. I was so hopeful and excited. I was doing everything to prepare myself to conquer this low supply problem, I just knew I was going to be able to exclusively breastfeed this time.

As soon as Luke was born he latched on. We nursed and nursed and nursed. Every time he made a peep, I put him on the boob. Luke was born around 9 am and I started the Fenugreek with my lunch that very same day. When we came home I started with the tea, and nursed him constantly. Within a week I got a pump so I could pump and tell my body to make more milk. Well once again the milk wasn't flowing, I was only getting a tenth of an oz to 1/2 oz from both sides. But I also knew that a pump isn't as efficient a a babies suckling so I was still kind of okay. My doula let me borrow a baby scale to take home, with instructions to weigh him before and after a feeding, and then to weigh him everyday at the same time to see if he is gaining weight. Well at each feeding I was getting 0 oz, 1/2 oz, and 1 oz. Every morning I weighed him naked and he consistently lost weight 4 days in a row. Then I felt horrible for pretty much starving him and went to the store an bought a can of formula and cried all over again like I did with Evan.

I felt like I was somehow less of a woman. I wondered if men who were impotent or who couldn't produce children felt like this. I wondered if I had lived in the 1800's if all of my children would have died from failure to thrive. I was just so mad that my lady parts don't work. Then I picked up my book "Making More Milk" and read it again trying to figure out WHY? WHY don't my boobies work? I really think there just isn't enough milk producing tissue. I have stopped the Fenugreek and switched to Domperidone last week (was doing both but it gave both me and baby some stomach issues). No noticeable increase yet. So I have ordered some Goats Rue and hope to get it soon. Goats Rue is supposed to encourage glandular growth and is one thing that women who have adopted children use to make themselves start lactating.

My dreams that this time would be different, my dreams of being able to exclusively breast feed, are gone. I am sad. But as always I just keep telling myself it could be worse. I have 2 beautifully healthy and brilliant children.

I am hoping that this week my midwife can help me rule out any PCOS, thyroid problems, and anemia since those are are things that can cause low supply. I almost want something to be wrong because I want a little pill to fix it all. (Adam hates when I say that) But if it is insufficient glandular tissue I can learn to deal with it.

I hope I can quit crying about this and just be grateful and come to terms with the fact that my children will have to be formula babies. But I will still breastfeed. So if you ever see a woman nurse her child and then pull out the formula, don't judge her or give her dirty looks. Just be happy that your boobs aren't broken.


Click on the links below to read blogs from 2 other women who had gone through what I am experiencing, as I read their posts I felt like I was reading my own thoughts.
A Swing and a Miss Strike Two
Breastfeeding Broke My Heart

08/31/2010
UPDATE: blood tests came back normal..no thyroid problems, no anemia, etc.

So maybe I just have IGT? Who knows?

Good news is that my supply has increased, I can get about an ounce from both sides a lot of times (mostly at night). Obviously not enough to wean from the supplements, but that is double, which is pretty awesome. Right now I am up to 120mg (90mg wasn't doing anything) of domperidone per day and 1 1/2 tsp of Mother's Milk Special Blend, 3-4 cups of Mother's Milk Tea and of course waaaay too many lactation cookies per day. So since the dom is expensive and difficult to obtain (and since I hate taking any kind of drug) I may start weaning myself and see if my supply will still stay where it's at and switch back to fenugreek, but a higher dosage than I was on before???

Still looking for a milk donor, anybody??

It was so emotionally wrecking to me to not be able to exclusively breastfeed this time around. I really thought last time I just didn't try hard enough or nurse enough or I just supplemented too much. I was certain I could do it this time. I have been feeling a lot less depressed about it lately though. My midwife Shannon somehow found the words to make it okay in my mind when no one else could comfort me. She is awesome. I think since I can't give him very much milk I'll just have to nurse him longer than I expected to make up for it like I did with Evan.

Baby Luke William

Luke is officially 1 week old today!
Some people think sharing a birth story is TMI and no one elses business. I want to share mine because when I was preparing for labor & delivery with Evan, I read a ton of natural birth stories online. It really encouraged me when I would read other peoples' stories, because so many people you meet in real life have not had a totally unmedicated birth experience. It helped me realize it's not that big of a deal and women have done it through the ages with no pain medication. So here is the story of Luke William's entrance into this world.

So it all began last Friday when I woke up to a very strong contraction at 6am. Just like with Evan I told my self it was just diarrhea or something. I got a glass of water thinking that I was just dehydrated and maybe some water would make it go away. Then I got in the shower to run warm water over my belly and realized this was the real thing and so I called Adam in so he could start timing. He said they were 3 minutes apart and called both of our moms. Then I made him call our doula, he was hesitant to call her so early but I made him because I knew I was going to need some support quick. It was only about 45 minutes of labor and the contractions seemed so hard and strong and too close together.

So I got out and got dressed and Adams mom showed up to watch Evan. By this time I was only getting about 1 minute between contractions. I was able to brush my teeth and get in my contacts. I remember really wanting to fix my hair and put on some make-up. I thought I could do this between contractions, and Adam's mom just laughed at me. Just a few minutes later the contractions were coming right on top of each other and they were sooo painful. I told Adam to take me to the hospital because I needed the epidural. I seriously couldn't handle the pain if there were not any breaks between the contractions. I started to pray to God to please just give me like 30 seconds to rest, but it wasn't happening. As all natural birth aficionados know, it is best to try to labor at home as long as possible. Adam kept trying to get me to eat some carbs to prepare because it was going to be such a long day and I needed my energy. I took a few sips of milk and then just threw it up. Adam was really hesitant to go to the hospital because the atmosphere was going to be so hectic there (and I think he was a little worried I was going to take back my beliefs about unmedicated birth and beg for the epidural). But when I got assertive with him and told him I felt like I had to push, he was like okay let's go.

So on the way to the hospital God answered my prayers and the contractions started to come further apart, about 2 minutes between each. But they were different, I was pushing and couldn't stop. So I just grabbed the "oh shit" handle and crossed my legs tight through every contraction.

When we got to the hospital I walked to the front desk and told the little old volunteer ladies in the pink vests behind the desk that I needed to go to labor and delivery and then walked over to the elevator. Next thing I know I am on my knees moaning through a contraction hoping this baby doesn't come out. Then someone shows up with a wheelchair and puts me on the elevator. The lady says " you really shouldn't do that to those old ladies, I think you almost gave them a heart attack" I only had enough time to say, "I'm so sorry, I couldn't help it" before the next contraction came.

So they get me into observation and let me go pee. I came back from the bathroom completely naked (they tell you in childbirth class that you will lose all sense of modesty & it is so true) So I get my gown on and the nurse checks me and says "She's complete." Adam was like what do you mean, you mean she's a 10. and the nurse says yep shes ready to push. I think Adam's eyes about popped out of his head, because it was only about 8:30 and I had only been in labor for 2 & 1/2 hours!! The doula showed up at the time the nurse said "she's complete" and the doula looked really surprised too. I was just so happy because if I had been anything less than about 8 centimeters I would have asked for the epidural. But maybe not I knew I was ready to push and get this baby out.

So they wheel me into a delivery room and I crawl onto the bed. I hear the nurses debating about giving me an IV and then decide not too. I had been going through the contractions on my hands and knees because that was the only comfortable position. I started to worry that the midwife was not going to make it. When she showed up I had another really strong contraction and told them I had to push and then my water broke all over the deliver bed/table, so when they asked if I wanted to lay back I was like heck no I'm not laying in that stuff. and I just remember pushing about 3 more times. Then I told them I needed to be upright so gravity could help me get this baby out. So I was on my knees and put my arms around Adam's neck, I only freaked out a little :) when he was crowning and yelled at the midwife to pull him out. But it only took about 2 more pushes and he was out!!! Luke William made his entrance on July 16th, 2010 at 8:52am.

They gave him to me and let me nurse him immediately and did not cut the cord immediately (we waited until after the placenta was delivered and the cord stopped pulsing) The nurses all pretty much left us and said when I was ready they would come take him to bathe and weigh him, etc.

I have to say this birth was much more painful than Evan's but maybe that was because I knew what to expect and I didn't prepare myself mentally. Also I have heard that the shorter the labor, the more painful. That is definitely true in my case.

I am just so glad to have baby Luke on the outside, I thought I would like to just keep him in there because it was easier to take care of him. But now that he is here, all the "work" I was dreading all of a sudden doesn't seem so bad. Believe it or not, I look forward to changing a poopy diaper because I get to see if he is getting enough breastmilk. Also the fact that we are exclusively breastfeeding I get to just snuggle with him all night, no getting up out of the bed to get a bottle, just roll over and whip it out:) I am really hoping that I can keep this up and not have to supplement with formula this time. I've got the support of some of the best lactation consultants in the state of Mississippi, so I hope it works out.

Evan is doing great with his little brother. He loves him so much and hugs and kisses and "pets" his little head. Sometimes I get scared because he loves him a little too hard and he squeezes him :)

Although I didn't prepare myself for this birth it was definitely awesome and turned out perfect. I thanked the midwife over and over for not making me birth this baby on my back. I feel that I am very lucky to have short labors even if they are painful, and I have to thank my mom for passing on that gene/characteristic to me. Thanks Mom!

So all of you asking when we are going to try for a little girl, don't be surprised when I give you the evil eye or a dirty look. Hello it's only been a week, I still remember the pain! I have 2 under 2 people, I'm not trying for 3 under 3. Thanks for your concern that my boys need a little sister, I'll keep that thought in the back of my brain for oh at least 2-3 years.

The whole thing went so fast we forgot to get the camera to take pictures, but here are a few that were taken once someone showed up with a camera:)